With the Big 3 U.S. Automakers circling the drain, we figured we would throw our hat in the ring and offer up some suggestions.

And no…none of them involve sticking your head between your legs and kissing your @$$ goodbye.

1. File chapter 11 bankruptcy.

Suck it up and file bankruptcy. During the restructure, fire some people, adjust some salaries, and trim the fat. Take the $25 billion dollars of taxpayer money and ensure that your workers get the retirement and health care benefits that you have promised them.

And honestly, I don’t care how hard your CEO works or how stressful the job is, an $8 million dollar salary is ridiculous when you are asking the federal government for a handout. He already gets free cars, maintenance, and repairs (which are normally 15-20% of a household budget). You could take $7 million of that and start saving your company.

2. Get rid of the United Auto Workers Union.

Workforce unionization is so 1935. Historically, labor unions fought to establish safer working conditions and better wages/benefits for it’s members. Having met those goals several decades ago, they have unfortunately become self-serving money funnels that drive up the cost of doing business. Union contracts don’t allow companies the flexibility they need when times are tough. And times ARE tough, if you haven’t noticed. You can imagine how having to pay someone $30/hour plus benefits and retirement to install tires significantly increases the cost of making cars. Other industries have layoffs, reduce benefits, nix bonuses, don’t give raises, etc. This is the reality of doing business in a global economy.

Following the bankruptcy, make your salaries competitive, but don’t hire any one that is union. If people need the job badly enough, they will drop their union memberships and take what you are offering.

3. Stop making shite.

Reputations always hold a modicum of truth and US automakers have a reputation for building cheap, unreliable cars. From 1990-1996, Chevy even had the balls (or sheer lack of imagination) to make both a minivan and a car named “Lumina” – that both sucked. If you asked anybody, I mean ANYBODY, to name a reliable car, Honda and Toyota will be the first words out of their mouth.

Fixing a bad reputation is a monumental task and the Big 3 need a crash course on reputation management. Step 1 involves recognizing your shortcomings (quality, innovation, foresight, leadership, dealerships, etc.) and doing everything in your power to rectify those issues. If those shortcomings consistently involve bad management decisions, then maybe the stockholders need to take the reins and clean house.

4. Combine brands and focus your efforts.

A Tahoe is a Yukon. An Explorer is a Mountaineer, a B-Series is a Ranger. An Aspen is a Durango. On and on ad nauseum.

How much money is being wasted on simply marketing the same car with 2 different names?

You could take all of the best people working on those “other” cars – the designers, engineers, dealers, marketing teams – and redirect their efforts into improving your flagship cars. By trying to have a vehicle for every single niche market, you are simply diluting the kool-aid. Dodge makes RAM trucks and minivans. Ford makes F-150s, Mustangs, and cop cars. Chevy makes full-size SUVs and Corvettes. Chrysler makes the 300C. Keep doing that.

Older generations of Americans might care about the fact that they can still drive a Lincoln or Mercury like they did in the 50’s, but they will be dead soon they still think Cadillac is the epitome of luxury. Younger generations could give a rip about brand loyalty.

5. Design a hybrid that doesn’t look like a Peep.

A. If anyone could design a hybrid that didn’t look a piece of sugar coated marshmallow fluff and cost less than $20k, I’d buy it in a heartbeat. Yes, I’m talking to you too Lexus. I’m so tired of the maximizing aerodynamics argument. I’ll take a 5mpg hit and a $10k price increase if you make it look like a Porsche. Please explain to me how Porsches aren’t aerodynamic.

B. Make a REAL hybrid truck that doesn’t cost $55k. Despite the current state of gas prices, Americans like big vehicles. They exude a certain level of socioeconomic status. They make us feel safe. They can carry all of our kids and all of our crap. And with a 66%  overweight/obesity rate, we obviously need the space. Have you ever seen two fat people stuffed in a Ford Fiesta?  Sad.  But I’m not paying an extra $15k for 3-5mpg just to have the “hybrid” logo on my truck and the piece of mind that I’m doing my part to “save the environment”.

6. Make a great car for $15k.

Buying a car in 2008 is all about functionality, affordability, and reliability.

There are a ton of people that can’t afford $40k cars, but they still need to get their kids to school, get to work, run around town, and go see Grandma every know and then. KIA and Hyundai have done well because they consistently design inexpensive, reliable cars with outstanding warranties.

7. Stop redesigning cars every 1-2 years.

Your shiny new annual redesign does not make me want to go and buy a new car.

It actually pisses me off because I’m still paying for the one I have. To make things worse, I’m up-side-down on the loan because the car depreciated $10k when I drove it off the lot. Please let me revel in the fact that I have the latest model for just a few years. Because, unless I’m leasing, I can’t afford to get a new car every 2 years.

How many millions does it take to simply redesign/redistribute all of the advertising materials for every new model? Every year you change the curve of the bumper, the hood lines, a little bit of the interior – I’ve lost track of it all. How much money does it cost to keep every version of every part in inventory to keep these things on the road for the next 10 years?

8. Let go of the nostalgia and make new Iconic cars.

You Baby Boomers making management decisions are f*ing everything up. Stop remaking everything that was cool in the 60s.

Why on earth would Chevy redesign the Camaro – to compete with the Mustang? There was a reason that the Camaro line was discontinued a few years back. They weren’t selling even when gas was less than $2/gallon! WHY WOULD YOU SPEND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS REDESIGNING A FAILURE WHEN GAS IS $4/GALLON!?!

Now I’ll give it to you, a 1964 Impala is killer. A solid steel rocket sled – all long and chromed out. But the thought of driving a 2004 Impala makes me want to slit my wrists. And if this was a lame attempt to tap into the youth and urban markets, then I’m sure you guys will do a lot better with the Trax, the Beat, the Groove – wink, wink. I’m envisioning old white men, decked in 1980’s track suits and gold chains, hippity-hopping in the board room. Yo Yo Yo.

No one wants to drive a lame remake. The Impala, the Malibu, the Monte Carlo – leave them be. And I swear to God if you guys resurrect the Geos, there will be hell to pay.

9. Design for both American and European markets.

Chevrolet, Ford, and Chrysler are massive global corporations. The current automotive crisis, as well as the current financial situation, is not a localized phenomenon. If GM tanks, it takes Opel and Vauxhall down with it. Designing cars that meet both U.S. and European safety/emission standards is easier said than done, but couldn’t we hold hands and sing kumbaya just this once?

Check out these numbers: from Houston Smith (to PBN.com)

Chrysler

U.S. – 4 vehicles rated 25mpg or greater.
EU – 7 vehicle configurations rated 32 to 40 mpg.

Ford

U.S. – 5 vehicles rated 25mpg or greater.
EU – 22 vehicle configurations rated 42 to 58 mpg.

GM

U.S. – 24 vehicles rated 25mpg or greater.
EU – 50 vehicle configurations rated 42 to 53 mpg.

You wanna reduce our dependence on foreign oil? Then let us get our hands on some Euro models and we’ll finish off that pesky ozone layer.

10. At least go Web 2.0.

Hello and welcome to the future. Please notice the series of tubes that we call the interwebs.

Take note from the recent successes of the Obama campaign – getting the general public excited, connected, and involved really works. Simply having a corporate website with wiz-bang pictures and the ability to build/price cars just doesn’t cut it any more. It’s imperative that you get a feel for your customers’ needs and concerns. How can you do that if you never actually talk to them? Seriously, the only correspondence I’ve every had with Chevy or Ford (and I own one of each) involved a recall. I’ve gotten more emails and surveys from a BMW dealer that I visited very late one Friday night – and I didn’t even buy a car from them.

If I thought for one second that any of the Big 3 actually cared what I thought about their new designs or current direction, I would be SOOOOOOO on board for buying another American car.

For that matter…why not post new design ideas on Digg and let people vote for their faves?

Team USA, fff

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How to Save the US Automotive Industry in 10 Not-So-Simple Steps

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Lotus Gas-Sipper

Lotus Cars seems to be the latest car manufacturer to be jumping on the Hybrid / EV bandwagon. It took them long enough, seeing that a Tesla Roadster IS a Lotus Elise. Yes, they modified it to damn-near a nth of its life, but they still start as an Elise. You would think that Tesla would creating an EV Elise and make a little competition for Tesla, right?  Wrong. That would be WAAAAAAAAY too obvious. Lotus is actually stuffing waterproof speaker systems into a Prius(es?) to play fake exhaust sounds at low speeds and red lights.

So, it seems that one of the biggest problems car manufacturers and our government are facing is not: the 15-30% overall drop in car sales, or the effect of the dramatic increase in gas prices, or the instability and war in the Middle East, or global economic recession; it’s Political Correctness.

It’s spending hundreds of thousands of dollars to figure out how to make fake exhaust sounds emanate from an electric car so that blind people won’t get run over – despite the fact that research shows that only “an average of five legally blind pedestrians per year were killed in motor vehicle accidents in the US.” and “No deaths of legally blind pedestrians involved a Prius.”

OK, so granted we red-blooded, meat-eating Americans love our exhaust systems. We spend thousands of dollars on them every year. There are even rumors of how Pontiac painstakingly (and at a fair expense) modeled the exhaust note for the redesigned 2004 GTO after the mid-1960’s GTOs. It kinda goes like this:

More horsies – check.

More torque – check.

More air flow – check.

More fast – check.

More loud – check.

Replacing a factory exhaust is a given and usually one of the first things modders do to bump up the fun. But if I spend $109k on a Tesla Roadster, I want to hear that electric motor whine like nobody’s business.  I want every ricer and every knuckle-dragger to hear that Remote Control car sound as I leave them at the light. All torque – All the time.

Bark, yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, bark, yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

That’s a two speed Tesla trans for you straight-liners out there.

Just for fun, we put together a few of our favorite exhaust sounds. Maybe Lotus will let us load different sounds for our various moods.
Mustang GT Exhaust






Corvette Z06 Exhaust







Apache Helicopter






Lawnmower






Dewalt Drill






Electric Knife






Enjoy, fff

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Do Hybrids or EVs really need Fake Exhaust sounds for the Blind?

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Shaken not Stirred

Earlier this week, I’m cruising my “Mustang” Craigslist RSS search via the NetNewsWire app from Newsgator.com (which rocks and you should get it right now! – err…after you finish reading this) on the iPhone. Yes, I’m still 2G for all you money-burning-a-hole-in-your-pocket 3G punks out there…I’m totally jealous old school.

rump Shaker

So I come across a post for a 1969 Mach 1 Mustang for $9500. Whoa what?!? It’s obviously a rust bucket POS for 9500 bucks. And even though I don’t necessarily want a 1969 Mustang ’cause they have that freakin’ HUGE rear end that I absolutely despise…unlike J.Lo, however (see reference pic), I figured I would at least give it a glance.

The post is stock full of pictures. The car is in great condition. It’s got a 351 Windsor, which isn’t quite the 428 Cobra Jet, but not many engines are I suppose. It’s rust free and a total stunner. Oh and what’s that cherry on top I see? Why it’s a real shaker hood. Mmmmm…cold air induction at its finest. A shaker hood makes almost anything sexy in my book.  I said “almost”.

wallet Shaker

So, I’m thinking what the hell is wrong with this car? Something has to be terribly, terribly wrong with it. Blood stains, a love-r-ly rotting flesh smell, no floor boards, something! I did notice that there is no location specified for the post – which is not THAT strange. But down at the very bottom of the post below the email address is all of this space. And I swear I can see some writing in there.

What is that…Latin?

It’s in some light yellow or gray font. So I monkeyed with it in photoshop.

(screenshot)                                                                  (screenshot with color changes)

Mecca Lecca High

Ec-tus Dom-i-nus

So the text is:

faucibus vehicula Vestibulum Nunc sed lorem varius magna always posuere tellus tortor augue Phasellus in Aenean rutrum Vestibulum pede eleifend tellus non eleifend story dictum porttitor Sed the facilisis eleifend Sespendisse sodales fermentum are ipsum in vulputate in lacinia Nam commodo Nam sed Praesent

And googled the translation to:

faucibus conveyance Vestibulum Now but lorem various magna always to lay region tortor augue Phasellus upon Eneus rutrum Vestibulum pede eleifend region not eleifend story word porttitor But the easy eleifend Sespendisse fellowship fermentum are itself upon vulputate upon lacinia For to make fit For but With a ready

Gibberish…Latin + English + translation = more gibberish.

soul Shaker

The post was flagged and has since been pulled, but I’m perplexed. What is all of that? Why would you fake post a hot car with all of this Latin/English gibberish at the bottom. Is this some new sort of phishing? Is the car totally possessed ala Christine and this guy’s trying to cast it out or pass it on to another damned soul owner?

Anybody have any ideas on the translation or what’s going on here? Please let me know.

Weird…just weird I say,

fff

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Weird Craigslist Ad – 1969 Mustang Mach 1 $9500 (Free demon legion included – ok, I added that part)

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If you can afford this, obviously your insurance will cover it, but damn…
This made made me cry a little inside.

This is for my dead homies….fff

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Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano for sale – one owner, gently used, light smoke damage

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Sheila’s Wheels, a female-only U.K. auto insurer, recently announced the launch of the “world’s first female-friendly seatbelt.” Unfortunately, in their February 2 – PRNewswire press release, they went so far as to say a “seatbelt innovation for REAL WOMEN“. And fat guys too, I guess…but we thumb our noses to you small breasted girls out there. Pretty bold, I’d say (or purposely controversial). Another nail in the self-esteem coffin (from other women, no less). S.W. teamed up with MIRA to design a simple S-Clip device that relocates the seatbelt to the middle of the chest, “directly between the cleavage…minimizes flattening…Top engineers have designed a new device that prevents the belt strap causing discomfort across the chest and aims to get more female drivers buckling up. One in five women complained of discomfort across the chest when they were buckled-up – especially those with larger breasts. Alarmingly, this ‘discomfort’ is potentially endangering the lives of female motorists:Almost a quarter (23%) reduce the effectiveness of their seatbelt by slipping it under their arm whilst driving; More than one in eight (14%) have failed to buckle-up at all; Over half (55%) have adjusted their belts to make them more comfortable.”

Proudly rockin' the IBTC

from the Miscellaneous Breast Augmentation FAQ

5. Does wearing a seatbelt increase my chances of rupture or trauma-induced Capsular Contracture (CC) if I have an accident? Although this is true it is also a fact that NOT wearing your seatbelt increases your chances of auto-wreck related death, so be smart and wear your seatbelt. You have a warranty on your implants, but not your life.

Spokeswoman Jacky Brown did go on to say, “we urge female motorists to make sure they always wear their seatbelt, and wear it properly – no matter how much it digs into their neck or chest.” So, at least they don’t want you to die (or irritate your $8k “enhancement”). No word on a price yet. OK ladies, and all you guys who love small breasted women…time for a REVOLT!!!!

secretly & ashamedly in “like” with K.Clarkson, fff

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Seatbelt Innovation for “REAL” Women – Ouch!

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Dear Santa, Oh yeah, it’s March. Sigh. But if I sold the house and some blood and robbed a bank and…

The guys at TopGear have the latest info on this bad boy.

One day grasshopper, one day. fff

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New Lamborghini Murciélago LP640

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Those crazy guys at Autosound 2000 Ranch have one hell of an inferiority complex (and potentially the biggest subwoofer ever built). A couple of facts about it…from Clark – Navone with 60 Inch Woofer

The cone moves 6 inches peak to peak under full-tilt output. The actual cone diameter is 54 inches, with the 3 inch wide surround on the outside of that. The radiating surface area is 2,290 square inches. That yields a one way displacement of 6,871 cubic inches. That is equivalent to the displacement of 161 ten inch woofers that move 1.5 inches peak to peak. The motor is capable of producing 6,000 pounds of linear force, which is necessary when considering the very large surface area and displacement volume required to produce high SPL levels. The woofer was designed with the capability to produce SPL levels of 188 dB, which are entirely possible, given an appropriately built vehicle. It is simply a matter of displacement and containment.

HUH…WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID!?! FFF

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60inch Subwoofer – Stuff that in your Civic!!!

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One foot on the brake and one on the gas, hey! Well, there’s too much traffic, I can’t pass, no! - S. Hagar

These guys create a rolling roadblock on an Atlanta Freeway by obeying the speed limit. People start losing their cool mighty quickly & they’ve got the video to prove it.

WORK WARNING – There are some dirty words used in the video…how naughty!!!

Buckle up! It’s the law!
fff

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I Can Drive 55 & I Will…DagNabIt

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Canadians get all of the fun & none of the Islamic backlash…

Ferrari has announced that they will open a North American driving school in Mont Tremblant, Quebec. The Ferrari North American Driving School will teach drivers how to control and enjoy their cars. The program includes transportation to & from the airport, a welcome reception, a two-day driving program led by professional Ferrari instructors using new Ferrari F430 vehicles, accommodations at Hotel Quintessence, meals, course book, and event memorabilia; all for a small one time fee of $8,200.

[Via Luxist]
Currently emptying the piggybank, fff

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Ferrari Opens North American Driving School

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Officially the Type 997, the 911 Turbo now puts out 480 hp @ 6000 rpm, a 60 hp improvement on the last version. Torque goes up, too, to a pavement-peeling 457 foot-pounds. With the six-speed manual transmission, the 911 Turbo rockets to 62 mph in just over 3.9 seconds. The 911 Turbo with the optionally available Tiptronic S automatic transmission puts in an even more impressive performance. An optimized setup gives the vehicle the wherewithal to power from zero to 62mph in just 3.7 seconds. The vehicle’s flexibility can be enhanced even further with the optional “Sport Chrono Package Turbo”, available for the first time. Here the driver selects the “sports button” adjacent to the gear lever to activate a short-time “overboost” at full throttle. To transfer the available power to the road, the new generation of the 911 Turbo features a redesigned all-wheel drive with an electronically controlled multi-disc clutch. Porsche Traction Management (PTM) ensures variable power distribution to the two driven axles. Depending on the driving conditions, the all-wheel electronics system constantly determine the optimal torque distribution to ensure the best-possible drive. The new 911 Turbo’s driving performance is duly tempered by its brake system, which comprises monobloc fixed-caliper disc brakes with six pistons at the front axle and four at the rear. The 911 debuts here in July with a starting price of $122,900. Our friends over at Autoblog have all the details.

[Via Luxist]

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The New Porsche 911 Turbo

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In Hey America !!! Gay, Hispanic, Catholic, Straight, Christian, Lesbian, Black, Homophobe, Pagan, Caucasian, Bisexual, Agnostic, Transgender, Asian, Heterosexual, Jew : We all like expensive, reliable cars. Who knew?, I wanted to hip you guys to poorly executed, specifically-targeted, “viral”, marketing schemes that exploit the latest social hot buttons. It’s been happening for years, but damn…it just keeps getting funnier.

Marketing examples:

50-60’s Housewife – You too can cook and clean and do all the housework with your handy dandy dish-o-rama 1000.
50-90’s Teens/Adults & cigarettes – the marlboro man for cool adults – joe camel for the kids
70-80’s Children – You can have candy & toys in cereal! It’s fortified with 9 essentail vitamins & minerals…wink,wink
80’s-00’s – Hey girls, you’re not skinny or pretty enough, so buy our clothes, makeup, and lotion to fix your self-esteem
90’s Urban – Hey, there’s a black couple driving that new car, but they’re light skinned, so it’s ok…regardless, honey lock your door.
00’s - Oops, did we say God/Christ/Allah…We meant Holiday – on sale now before Thanksgiving (update HALLO-FREAKIN-WEEN…WTF!).

I’m sure I missed quite a few, but you get the picture. So in the past 50 years, we’ve covered sex, race, age, health, and religion…So I guess sexual preference is the next logical social step.

Ford to resume marketing efforts in gay publications

Subaru going for more gay advertising

Yes…I know…it’s all about the money…oh, and now…political correctness, we can’t forget that. Too bad political correctness doesn’t really involve acceptance, understanding, or tolerance.

So far to go…

sarcastically yours, fff

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Auto Makers Going Gay

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Electric car designer, Wright, competes in a race with $170,000 Ferrari and a $400,000 Porsche. Wright’s X1 cost $150,000 and beat the other two, reaching 112 mph in just 11.1 seconds. This is insane. Pay attention to the exhaust notes…

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Wrightspeed X1 Electric Car smokes Porsche Ferarri

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What can I say…you’re BUSTED!!!

sorry officer, fff

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370-hp Porsche Cop Car

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Being a huge fan of horsepower, proud owner of a “rottweiler of the road” and rottweiler (of the yard?), I felt compelled to pass this on.

In the article : Put a leash on ‘pit-bull’ cars. Drivers must know how to handle power

Paula Simmons from the Edmonton Journal writes and I quote:

And so, this Tuesday, Belzil found Richardson guilty of dangerous driving causing death. The maximum sentence is 14 years in jail. Richardson will be sentenced next Wednesday. His lawyer is already promising to file an appeal. But the crime Ricky Richardson committed didn’t begin that terrible August night when he punched the accelerator. The chain of events that led to Irene Nicholson’s death began when Richardson decided to buy a Corvette with a special super-charger that gave the already-powerful car a 500-horsepower engine. Of course, any car or truck, driven recklessly or stupidly, can kill or maim. You can run someone down with a nice little Smart Car or Prius. But a muscle car like Richardson’s super-charged Corvette is a far more dangerous vehicle to take to the road. It’s built for racing, not for navigating crowded city streets. It’s a high-performance car that demands expert handling and expert maintenance. Lose control of a such a vehicle, even for a minute, and it becomes a deadly weapon. It’s like a Rottweiler of the road: lethal in the wrong hands.

OK…now I will give her credit for stating that you could be mowed down by a Prius. I seriously doubt you’d tell anyone after you lifted it up off of you & glanced around to see if anyone was looking (I digress…), but come on… she obviously drives one of those superbly-handling, crowded city street-navigating, behemoths called minivans (which are capable of injuring pedestrians as well as the 8 people tucked inside while watching the latest Blue’s Clues video.) Then she goes on to rip on the guy’s manhood…

Maybe that car made him feel young. Maybe it made him feel virile and fleet and powerful. Maybe he just liked the special sense of community and camaraderie that came with owning a collector’s item.

That’s just low down. Now, I’m not defending the guy by any means, but…Maybe, he worked his ass off to take care of his family for the past 35+ years (“retired civil engineer“) and finally bought himself something he’s always wanted. Maybe, he likes being slammed into the back of his seat, passing minivans with some mom chatting on a cellphone with one hand, swatting her kids with the other, with the blinker still on, going slower than the speed limit in the fast lane, no less. Maybe, Corvettes are actually “street” tested before hitting “the street.”

And then…to compare the cars to pitbulls and rottweilers. Please…I’ve seen a daschund rip someone’s nostril in half. Now that’s scary. Much love to all of the “ferocious” pet owners out there that take care of their animals.

So remember Kiddies…It’s not guns, cars, knives, dogs, or bombs that kill people, it’s poor decision-making, freak accidents, acts of nature, health problems, and crystal meth that kill people.

Here we go again. fff

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Horsepower Doesn’t Kill People, Rottweilers Kill People – right?

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Wow…really…wow.

I’m stunned.

U.S. Gay and Lesbian Automotive Consumers Favor Import and Luxury Brands, Hybrid Demand Strong: Financial News – Yahoo! Finance

And I quote… ” — Automakers’ quest to move away from “traditional” media sources–having more of an online presence and “VIRAL MARKETING” focus — hits squarely at the GLBT consumer.”

Hell…I’m straight & I’m offended.

Who let that get through committee?

Sorry folks, we’ve all got more in common than you thought.

fff

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Hey America !!! Gay, Hispanic, Catholic, Straight, Christian, Lesbian, Black, Homophobe, Pagan, Caucasian, Bisexual, Agnostic, Transgender, Asian, Heterosexual, Jew : We all like expensive, reliable cars. Who knew?

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