Shaken not Stirred

Earlier this week, I’m cruising my “Mustang” Craigslist RSS search via the NetNewsWire app from Newsgator.com (which rocks and you should get it right now! – err…after you finish reading this) on the iPhone. Yes, I’m still 2G for all you money-burning-a-hole-in-your-pocket 3G punks out there…I’m totally jealous old school.

rump Shaker

So I come across a post for a 1969 Mach 1 Mustang for $9500. Whoa what?!? It’s obviously a rust bucket POS for 9500 bucks. And even though I don’t necessarily want a 1969 Mustang ’cause they have that freakin’ HUGE rear end that I absolutely despise…unlike J.Lo, however (see reference pic), I figured I would at least give it a glance.

The post is stock full of pictures. The car is in great condition. It’s got a 351 Windsor, which isn’t quite the 428 Cobra Jet, but not many engines are I suppose. It’s rust free and a total stunner. Oh and what’s that cherry on top I see? Why it’s a real shaker hood. Mmmmm…cold air induction at its finest. A shaker hood makes almost anything sexy in my book.  I said “almost”.

wallet Shaker

So, I’m thinking what the hell is wrong with this car? Something has to be terribly, terribly wrong with it. Blood stains, a love-r-ly rotting flesh smell, no floor boards, something! I did notice that there is no location specified for the post – which is not THAT strange. But down at the very bottom of the post below the email address is all of this space. And I swear I can see some writing in there.

What is that…Latin?

It’s in some light yellow or gray font. So I monkeyed with it in photoshop.

(screenshot)                                                                  (screenshot with color changes)

Mecca Lecca High

Ec-tus Dom-i-nus

So the text is:

faucibus vehicula Vestibulum Nunc sed lorem varius magna always posuere tellus tortor augue Phasellus in Aenean rutrum Vestibulum pede eleifend tellus non eleifend story dictum porttitor Sed the facilisis eleifend Sespendisse sodales fermentum are ipsum in vulputate in lacinia Nam commodo Nam sed Praesent

And googled the translation to:

faucibus conveyance Vestibulum Now but lorem various magna always to lay region tortor augue Phasellus upon Eneus rutrum Vestibulum pede eleifend region not eleifend story word porttitor But the easy eleifend Sespendisse fellowship fermentum are itself upon vulputate upon lacinia For to make fit For but With a ready

Gibberish…Latin + English + translation = more gibberish.

soul Shaker

The post was flagged and has since been pulled, but I’m perplexed. What is all of that? Why would you fake post a hot car with all of this Latin/English gibberish at the bottom. Is this some new sort of phishing? Is the car totally possessed ala Christine and this guy’s trying to cast it out or pass it on to another damned soul owner?

Anybody have any ideas on the translation or what’s going on here? Please let me know.

Weird…just weird I say,

fff

Post from: FastandLoud.com

Weird Craigslist Ad – 1969 Mustang Mach 1 $9500 (Free demon legion included – ok, I added that part)

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RIP Gunslinger

Bo Diddley died Monday of heart failure at his home in Archer, FL after months of ill health. He was 79.

“Saw my baby run across the field,
Slippin’ and slidin’ like an automobile,
Hollerin’, my baby got towed away,
Slipped on from me like a cadillac-8.
Hey bo diddley, oh bo diddley,
Hey bo diddley, oh bo diddley.”

Cowboy Mouth turned me onto Bo Diddley in the early 90’s.

Sadly…after their first major record label deal…

Cowboy Mouth: stopped playing 3-4hr shows (to only play songs from the new album), stopped flipping over tables covered in beer bottles to drum on the legs and sweat on the fans (for insurance purposes, I guess), stopped hanging from the rafters while still singing and Paul on the kick drum (also insurance I assume), stopped playing songs from the 1st album (that made me love and miss my friends), stopped making want to scream until I lost my voice (because I did every show), stopped making me want to drive from South Louisiana to North Mississippi to Memphis, Tennessee to catch 3 shows in 3 nights, and stopped being fun. Also, they’ve gone Spinal Tap with bass players and dropped key members. Cowboy Mouth always has been and always will be Fred, Paul, and John Thomas.

Yes we’re all getting older, but 90’s Cowboy Mouth is MIA.

Cowboy Mouth (I Can Tell cover) – Now, THATS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!

Miss you Gunslinger & ’90s Cowboy Mouth…fff

Post from: FastandLoud.com

Bo Diddley (1928-2008) – Cowboy Mouth MIA

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On the bottom right side of the 36th page past The Cover of the Rolling Stone

Holy Freaking Moly Batman!!! Our Children of Myspace video got a nice little shout out in the May 4th, 2006 issue of Rolling Stone magazine.

Please go out and pickup a copy. There are plenty of articles/pictures about Nick Lachey to check out (if you’re not into music). And Jessica…if you’re reading this (fingers double-crossed), I play drums in a real band, I have a job, I have non-trendy tattoos, and I can treat you & your daddy the way you deserve to be treated… Ahem, so anyway…pick up issue 999, flip to page 26, check out the bottom right corner. First, I’d like to say thank you Myspace for your volumes of idiots people who are willing to publicly post pictures of themselves doing stupid (and sometimes illegal…hello!!!) things. Thank you Rolling Stone for putting us in print. Hell, it’s not the cover, and it’s not for music (frown), but we’ll take it!!! Oh and for you kiddees out there…Rolling Stone is a magazine that you actually have to pay money for and they used to be the authority for what was going on in the music world.

ed. note: please disregard previous ill-timed and utterly misconstrued comments concerning Rolling Stone’s demise as the quintessential rock ‘n roll authority.

oopsies and heilige scheiße!!! fff

Post from: FastandLoud.com

fastandloud.com in Rolling Stone magazine!!!

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Rule #1 – Boys are trouble. (see fig. 1A)

Rule #2 – Boys just want to get in your pants.

Rule #3 – No matter how sweet, smart, thoughtful, funny, cute, rich, or nice he is; see Rule #1 and especially Rule #2.

now you know, fff

Post from: FastandLoud.com

The Rules (for girls & some guys)

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I am a consumer of music. Always have been. But record labels don’t want my money anymore.

I bought music with the first greenbacks that ever touched my little blue velcro wallet. My first album…Quiet Riot – Metal Health (hell yeah). My second…Cyndi Lauper – She’s So Unusual (cause girls just wanna have fun & it’s important for boys to understand that at a very young age!) . My collection includes vinyl, tapes, CDs, DVDs, with most of it stored to MP3s for easy access & portability. Over the years, I’ve spent tens of thousands of dollars on music: buying the latest releases, amassing a collection of classic albums , attending hundreds of concerts, buying posters (I still love you Lita Ford if you’re out there), concert DVDs, limited vinyl releases, tons of logo-sporting black t-shirts/hats (to my wife’s dismay); as well as the home, auto, and personal audio gear needed to enjoy it all (and of course, upgrading with every format change). A terrible habit, I tend to overlook because of my torrid love affair with music.

But the latest releases from Sony BMG have incorporated some of the most poorly executed copy protection ever seen . Oh don’t worry…it’s just a little software tool that allows hackers to gain and maintain access to your computer system without your consent or knowledge.

To twist the dagger even further, there’s this:
pic via…bad bad coldplay

The Coldplay CD X&Y has a sneaky little insert (that can’t be seen until after the purchase) with a laundry list of devices the CD won’t play on related to the copy protection. And I quote…”This CD cannot be burnt onto a CD-R or hard disc, nor can it be converted to an MP3 for file sharing.” This CD may not play in some CD players, DVD players, car stereos, portable players, game players, all PCs and Macintosh PCs. And the kicker…”Except for manufacturing problems, we do not accept product exchange, return or refund…”

Another reason to not buy whiny English downer pop, but this isn’t about Coldplay. It’s about the frivolous ideology behind (and the piss-poor implementation of) the copy protection. Think about it…I can download the entire album for free (illegally, but free none the less), rootkit free, while I eat breakfast, and have it readily available to every audio device I own. Or…I can goto the store, deal with some floor salesman who doesn’t know what band/album I’m talking about while trying to sell me an extended warranty on a CD, stand in line for 20 minutes, and pay $20 for Sony to install some virus-ware unknowingly on my computer that I can’t remove, and hopefully it will play on one of my CD players.

There’s no decision here folks. Therein lies the problem. I don’t need record labels making it hard for me to enjoy the music. And even harder for me to buy it.

Just like the dubbing tape deck, VCR, and DAT recorder; MP3s are set to ruin sales (wink, wink), despite the fact that the history of these devices has significantly proven otherwise. P2P internet file sharing, perfect audio copies, and cheap hard drive space is a bigger pond than your little circle of friends tape dubbing crew in the 80’s. And as a musician, I understand the problem with global music sharing. Simply…record companies don’t get paid under their current business model. A slump in record sales equals job insecurity (execs and artists alike). The lawsuit-happy RIAA wants to squarely place the focus on the starving musicians. The record label/artist relationship, however, is a little more delicate and complex. (see The Truth About Record Labels, George Michael goes back to Sony, Prince signs deal for new album). And yes, I understand…there is a reason they call it the music business. Quite literally, you would never hear or see artists without the work that goes into the recording and promotion thereof. That’s how it works. Bands need the big push & record labels need to make money. The days of artist development and multi-album deals are long gone. We’ve come full circle back to the singularity of “the hit.” Think Elvis, Jerry Lee Lewis, Buddy Holly…name any of their 1st albums…I can’t. Name their hit songs (or record A-sides)….easy…exactly. It’s all about the hit. The one song that sells a million, makes the girls scream on MTV, spurs concert attendance ($50-$80+ a ticket now a days…ouch), and band merchandise/figurine sales. You don’t need solid albums anymore. I would dare say, you’re iPod is full of hits, not albums.

So wake up record labels, embrace the future, and smell the half-caf. low-fat hazelnut latte. Put it on the web, at a fair price, tack on a B-side, and at least let me rip it to my stuff. I’ve got enough trouble reading the poorly translated instruction manuals for all of the gear I need just to play it.

Oh…and thanks Sony for F*ing up my computer & the free downloads.

Copy protection, smoppy protection…VIVA LA MIXTAPE / CD / PLAYLIST!!!
rock, fff

If you’re out buying music, steer clear of the copy protected versions of these titles:

1. Afrocelts, Seed
2. Air, Talkie Walkie
3. Angel City, “Love Me Right” single
4. The Animals, A’s B’s & EP’s
5. Asian Dub Foundation, Enemy of the State
6. Athlete, Vehicles and Animals
7. Atomic Kitten, Feels So Good
8. Atomic Kitten, Ladies Night
9. Atomic Kitten, “If You Come To Me” single
10. Audio Bullys, Ego War
11. Melissa Auf Der Maur
12. Kevin Ayers, Joy of a Toy
13. Kevin Ayers, Whatevershebringswesing
14. Kevin Ayers and The Whole World, Shooting At The Moon
15. Michael Ball, A Love Story
16. The Bangles, Doll Revolution
17. Syd Barrett, The Madcap Laughs / Barrett
18. The Beatles, Let It Be… Naked
19. The Be Good Tanyas, Chinatown
20. Benny Benassi presents The Biz, “Able To Live” single
21. Benny Benassi presents The Biz, “Satisfaction” single
22. Bent, “Stay the Same” single
23. Dierks Bentley
24. Cilla Black, Beginnings
25. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Take Them On, On Your Own
26. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, “Stop” single
27. Blindspott
28. Blue, “Guilty” single
29. Blue feat. Elton John, “Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word” single
30. Blur, Think Tank
31. Bodyjar, Jarchives
32. Bodyjar, “Too Drunk To Drive” single
33. Boogie Pimps, “Somebody To Love” single
34. David Bowie, Ziggy Stardust film soundtrack (2CD reissue version)**
35. David Bowie, Aladdin Sane (2CD reissue version)
36. Michelle Branch, Hotel Paper
37. Michelle Branch, “Are You Happy Now” single
38. David Bridie, Hotel Radio
39. David Bridie, “Hotel Radio” single
40. David Bridie, “100 Flowers In Bloom” single
41. Sarah Brightman, Harem
42. Armin van Buuren presents Perpetuous Dreamer, “The Sound of Goodbye” single
43. Lee Cabrera feat. Alex Cartana, “Shake It” single
44. Chris Cagle
45. John Cale, HoboSapiens
46. Glen Campbell, The Essential Glen Campbell
47. Bec Cartwright
48. Bec Cartwright, “A Matter Of Time” single
49. Rosanne Cash, Rules Of Travel
50. Troy Cassar-Daley, Borrowed & Blue
51. The Cat Empire
52. The Cat Empire, “Days Like These” single
53. Kasey Chambers, “True Colours” single
54. Chemical Brothers, Singles 93-03
55. Chingy, Jackpot
56. Chingy, “Right Thurr” single
57. Client
58. Cold Chisel, Ringside
59. Coldplay, “God Put A Smile On Your Face” single
60. The Cooper Temple Clause, Kick Up The Fire, and Let The Flames Break Loose
61. Ferry Corsten, “Rock Your Body Rock” single
62. The Cube, Permanent Scars
63. The Cube, “Cubism” single
64. The Dandy Warhols, Welcome To The Monkey House (unconfirmed)
65. The Dandy Warhols, “Plan A” single
66. The Dandy Warhols, “We Used To Be Friends” single
67. The Dandy Warhols, “You Were The Last High” single
68. The Darkness, Permission To Land (albeit not on all copies I’ve seen)
69. Daughterboy Jao, Fake Blood and the Rest is Unknown EP
70. Miles Davis, Birdland 1951
71. Deepest Blue
72. Deep Purple, Bananas
73. Dirty Vegas, Simple Things EP
74. Dr Hook, The Definitive Collection
75. Placido Domingo, Bravo! Domingo—The Best Of
76. Fats Domino, The Essential Fats Domino
77. Doves, Lost Sides
78. Downsyde, Land of the Giants
79. Anne Dudley, Seriously Chilled
80. Slim Dusty, Columbia Lane
81. The Electric Soft Parade, The American Adventure
82. Enigma, Voyageur
83. Everclear, Slow Motion Daydream
84. Adam Faith, A’s B’s & EP’s
85. Fountains Of Wayne, Welcome Interstate Managers
86. Fountains Of Wayne, “Stacy’s Mom” single
87. Funeral For A Friend, Casually Dressed & Deep In Conversation
88. Futureshock, Phantom Theory
89. Dave Gahan, Paper Monsters
90. Dave Gahan, “Dirty Sticky Floors” single
91. Gelbison, 1704
92. Gelbison, “Good God” single
93. The Givegoods, I Want To Kill A Rich Man***
94. The Givegoods, “I Want To Kill A Rich Man” single
95. Goldfrapp, Black Cherry
96. Goodwill, “Happenis” single
97. Martin Gore, Counterfeit 2
98. Jonny Greenwood, Bodysong
99. GT, “Kid Dynamite” single
100. David Guetta, Just A Little More Love
101. Jennifer Hanson
102. Ed Harcourt, From Every Sphere
103. Ben Harper, Diamonds on the Inside
104. Emmylou Harris, Stumble Into Grace
105. Hell Is For Heroes, The Neon Handshake
106. The Hollies, A’s, B’s & EP’s
107. Hoodoo Gurus, Ampology
108. Hoodoo Gurus, Mach Schau
109. The Human League, The Very Best Of
110. Indigo Girls, All That We Let Be
111. Interpol, Black EP
112. Iron Maiden, Dance Of Death
113. Janet Jackson, Damita Jo
114. Janet Jackson, “Just A Little While” single
115. Jakatta, “One Fine Day” single
116. Jane’s Addiction, Strays
117. Japan, Gentlemen Take Polaroids
118. Jet, Get Born
119. Jet, “Are You Gonna Be My Girl” single
120. Jet, “Rollover DJ” single
121. Jewel, 0304
122. Norah Jones, Come Away With Me
123. Norah Jones, Feels Like Home
124. Mandy Kane, “Stab” single
125. Kelis, Tasty
126. Kelis, “Milkshake” single
127. Paul Kelly, Ways and Means
128. Paul Kelly, “Won’t You Come Around” single
129. Kraftwerk, Tour de France Soundtracks
130. Kraftwerk, “Tour de France 2003″ single
131. Lambchop, Aw C’mon (albeit only on a promo copy I saw; I don’t think the proper release is CCed)
132. Annie Lennox, Bare (albeit not on all copies I’ve seen)
133. The Living End, Modern Artillery
134. The Living End, “One Said To The Other” single
135. The Living End, “Tabloid Magazine” single
136. The Living End, “Who’s Gonna Save Us” single
137. Living Loud
138. Alex Lloyd, Watching Angels Mend
139. Alex Lloyd, Distant Light
140. Alex Lloyd, “Beautiful” single
141. Alex Lloyd, “Coming Home” single
142. Julie London, The Essential Julie London
143. Courtney Love, America’s Sweetheart
144. Liam Lynch, Fake Songs
145. Shelby Lynne, Identity Crisis
146. Magazine, Real Life / Secondhand Daylight
147. Maksim, The Piano Player
148. Manfred Mann, A’s B’s & EP’s
149. Lene Marlin, Another Day
150. Wynton Marsalis Quartet, The Magic Hour
151. Dean Martin & Jerry Lewis, s/t (EMI Comedy series)
152. Massive Attack, 100th Window
153. Kylie Minogue, Body Language (Japanese import version; not sure if the regular issue is CCed)
154. Keb’ Mo’, Keep It Simple
155. Gary Moore, The Essential Gary Moore
156. Van Morrison, What’s Wrong With This Picture
157. N.E.R.D., Fly Or Die
158. Les Nubians, One Step Forward
159. Mike Oldfield, Tubular Bells 2003
160. Mike Oldfield, The Complete Tubular Bells
161. OMD, Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark
162. OMD, Architecture and Morality
163. OMD, Organisation
164. Stacie Orrico
165. Beth Orton, The Other Side Of Daybreak
166. Pacifier, Live
167. Panjabi MC, “Beware Of The Boys” single
168. Amanda Perez, Angel
169. A Perfect Circle, Thirteenth Step
170. Lee Perry & Gary Eck, The Hollywood Motel
171. The Persian Rugs, Turkish Delight
172. Pet Shop Boys, Disco 3
173. Placebo, Sleeping With Ghosts
174. Placebo, Sleeping With Ghosts / The Covers
175. Pnau, Again
176. P.O.D., Payable On Death
177. Iggy Pop, Skull Ring
178. Lisa Marie Presley, “Lights Out” single
179. Queen, Live At Wembley ‘86
180. Radiohead, Hail To The Thief
181. Radiohead, “Go To Sleep” single
182. Radiohead, “2+2=5″ single
183. Red Hot Chili Peppers, Greatest Hits and Videos
184. Resin Dogs, Hi-Fidelity Dirt
185. Cliff Richard, World Tour Live
186. Richard X, X Factor Volume 1
187. Richard X feat. Kelis, “Finest Dreams” single
188. Charlie Rouse, Bossa Nova Bacchanal
189. Rodney Rude, Rude Bastard
190. Room 5, Music & You
191. Room 5, “Music & You” single
192. Salmonella Dub, One Step East
193. Scorpions, The Essential Scorpions
194. Seal, IV
195. Helen Shapiro, A’s B’s & EP’s
196. Silverchair, “Across the Night” single
197. Simple Minds, Early Gold
198. Bob Sinclar, “Kiss My Eyes” single
199. Skin, Fleshwounds
200. The Sleepy Jackson, Lovers
201. The Sleepy Jackson, “Vampire Racecourse” single
202. The Sleepy Jackson, “Good Dancers” single
203. The Sleepy Jackson, “Come To This” single
204. Snap!, “Rhythm Is A Dancer 2003″ single
205. Snap! vs Motivo, “The Power of Bhangra” single
206. Snoop Dogg, “Beautiful” single
207. Spiritualized, Complete Works vol. 1
208. Staind, 14 Shades of Grey
209. Starsailor, Silence Is Easy
210. Starsailor, “Silence Is Easy” single
211. Stereopol, “Dancin’ Tonight” single
212. Joss Stone, The Soul Sessions
213. Stylophonic, Man Music Technology
214. Sugar Ray, The Pursuit Of Leisure
215. The Superjesus, Rock Music
216. The Superjesus, “Over And Out” single
217. Talk Talk, The Essential Talk Talk
218. Thalia
219. Thalia, “I Want You” single
220. Third Eye Blind, Out of the Vein
221. The Thrills, So Much For The City
222. Yann Tiersen, Goodbye Lenin soundtrack
223. Peter Tosh, The Best of Peter Tosh 1976-1987
224. Tribalising, “Ja sei namorar” single
225. Tube & Berger ftg. Chrissie Hynde, “Straight Ahead” single
226. Turin Brakes, Ether Song
227. UB40, Homegrown
228. UB40, Labour of Love I, II and III
229. Ultrasun, “We Can Runaway” single
230. Bobby Vee, The Essential Bobby Vee
231. The Vines, Winning Days
232. The Vines, “Ride” single
233. The Vipers, The Very Best of The Vipers Skiffle Group
234. Westside Connection, Terrorist Threats
235. Westside Connection, “Gangsta Nation” single
236. Widelife ftg. Simone Denny, “All Things (Just Keep Getting Better)” single
237. Robbie Williams, Escapology
238. John Williamson, Mates On The Road
239. John Williamson, Old Farts In Caravan Parks
240. John Williamson, True Blue Two
241. Nancy Wilson, Collection
242. Lucy Woodward, While You Can
243. Yanni, Ethnicity
244. Yellowcard, Ocean Avenue
245. Larry Young, Mother Ship
246. Various, Best of Mersey Beat
247. Various, Empirical Records Presents State Of The Art
248. Various, The Greatest Musicals
249. Various, Hello Children Everywhere! Volume Two
250. Various, Heroes
251. Various, Karaoke2003
252. Various, KaraokeAbba
253. Various, Lady Sings The Blues vol. 2
254. Various, Late Night Piano Bar
255. Various, Legends
256. Various, Legends II
257. Various, Minit: The Soul of Minit Records
258. Various, Music from Queer Eye For The Straight Guy
259. Various, NOW Hot 30 Countdown
260. Various, Off The Wall: 10 Years Of Wall Of Sound
261. Various, The Original 60s Summer Album
262. Various, Peace & Unity
263. Various, RnB Version 2.0
264. Various, Toyota Golden Guitar Awards: The Winners 2003
265. Various, West Papua: Sound of the Morning Star
266. Various, Women In Blue
267. Various, World Chill
268. Various, The World’s Absolutely Best Ever Beer Songs vol. 2

Post from: FastandLoud.com

Record labels continue to sucker punch music consumers. Newest copy protected CDs: no MP3s, no Macs, some PCs, some CD/DVD players, some car stereos

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5.Coffee: If you’ve ever tasted some high quality bean, then you know what I’m talking about. Checkout “Coffee has a long history in Christianity, and has become an indispensable drink in churches across America” and from History of Coffee:

Coffee was first discovered in Eastern Africa in an area we know today as Ethiopia. A popular legend refers to a goat herder by the name of Kaldi, who observed his goats acting unusually frisky after eating berries from a bush. Curious about this phenomenon, Kaldi tried eating the berries himself. He found that these berries gave him a renewed energy. The news of this energy laden fruit quickly spread throughout the region. Monks hearing about this amazing fruit, dried the berries so that they could be transported to distant monasteries. They reconstituted these berries in water, ate the fruit, and drank the liquid to provide stimulation for a more awakened time for prayer. Coffee berries were transported from Ethiopia to the Arabian Peninsula, and were first cultivated in what today is the country of Yemen. From there, coffee traveled to Turkey where coffee beans were roasted for the first time over open fires. The roasted beans were crushed, and then boiled in water, creating a crude version of the beverage we enjoy today. Coffee first arrived on the European continent by means of Venetian trade merchants. Once in Europe this new beverage fell under harsh criticism from the Catholic Church. Many felt the pope should ban coffee, calling it the drink of the devil. To their surprise, the pope, already a coffee drinker, blessed coffee declaring it a truly Christian beverage.

4. Talents: We are amazing creatures with varying strengths, weaknesses, brainpowers, and abilities. In the movie Chariots of Fire, the main character Eric Liddell says, “I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure.” I really dig that. I think God smiles when we appreciate our abilities and flex them. Obviously, my strengths don’t lie in website creation…ahem, but I know some people that are fairly well-versed in PHP & HTML that throw me a bone every now and again. I accept the fact that there are people that can do certain things better than I can, and that’s OK. Upon his deathbed, Leonardo Da Vinci was to have said, “I have offended God and mankind because my work didn’t reach the quality it should have.”

3. Humor: Of all the creatures on the planet, humans are the only ones capable of laughter. I like to think that if man was made in God’s image, then God’s probably cracking up at half the stuff we do. Every time Pat Robertson says something stupid (Robertson called for the assassination of Venezuela’s president, Robertson blamed Sharon stroke on policy of “dividing God’s land”, Pat Robertson Struck Dumb by God), Benny Hinn “Be Healed” smacks somebody to the ground, or any time people go about killing in God’s name (like The Crusades or a Holy War), I bet God doh slaps his forehead. God is also considered by most biblical scholars to be the great physician. Several studies (see humor therapy and More Psychologists are Finding that Discrete Uses of Humor Promote Healing in Their Patients) have shown the healing properties of laughter. And wouldn’t the great physician use powerful medicine?

Joke #1

Jesus and Satan were having an argument as to who was the better programmer, so they agreed to hold a contest with God as judge. They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming on the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck, taking out the electricity. The power was restored, and God announced that the contest was over. He asked Satan to show what he had done. Satan was visibly upset and cried, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.” “Very well, then,” God said, “Let’s see if Jesus did any better.” Jesus entered a command and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voice of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers. Satan was astonished. “But? I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program was intact. How did he do it?” God chucked, “Jesus saves!”

Joke #2

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in front of God, who says…
“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. Your contribution to society by putting a computer in almost every home is just enormous. Yet you created that ghastly operating system. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. I’m going to let you decide where you want to go. I’ll let you visit both places briefly, to see if the experience will help you to decide.”
“Okay, then,” said Bill, “let’s try Hell first.”
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and beautiful women running around, the sun was shining, and the temperature was perfect.
“This is great,” he told God. “If this is hell, I really want to see Heaven.”
“Fine,” said God, and off they went. Heaven was high in the clouds with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered this decision.
“Hmmmmm….I think I’d prefer Hell!” He told God.
“Fine,”retorted God, “as you desire.”
So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being tortured by demons.
“How’s everything going?” he asked Bill.
“This is awful.” Bill responded, “This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and beautiful women playing in the water?”
“Oh,” God said, “that was Hell XP. This is Hell Vista.”

2. Lenny Kravitz: I’m just gonna be bold here and say 90% of Christian music is crap. Over the ages, there has been a general acceptance by Christians of all “sacred” music because it was about God. I know, it sounds sacrilege to even say it, but think about it… 7-11 choruses (same seven words sung eleven times), immature song writing, bad singing, and poor performances. I’m not saying God doesn’t appreciate them all. I’m just saying that we accept mediocrity because of the subject matter. And I’ll be the first to confess that writing religious music is hard. Trying to give God a big shout out without using faith, grace, mercy, blood, soul, spirit, the cross, died, reborn, wisdom, arisen, etc. is tough. Writing songs that don’t blatantly use these terms will be highly frowned on in church (especially by the non-clapping elders). And then where are you gonna perform? Gonna get loud and rock out in church? Not in most services. Gonna browbeat a bar’s patrons with Jesus? You won’t be playing there again. And the church will not be happy knowing that your band played in a naughty place, where alcohol is served and loose women dance about, the night before (despite the fact that Jesus almost always hung out with less desirables). There have been a few exceptions (The Doobie Brothers, STRYPER -rock, DC TALK, Jars of Clay, MercyMe, Switchfoot, and several newer crossover types). And M.C. Hammer did get a little shout in with, “oh my Lord. Thank you for blessing me with a mind to rhyme and two hyped feet.” on U Can’t Touch This. But Lenny Kravitz is the top selling Christian (non church-sanctioned) artist of all time. The following are some of Lenny’s song lyrics…

I Build This Garden For Us: I build a temple of love, Walk with the Father, Glory glory for the day He came. In this garden, They’ll be no war, No racial prejudice, You’ll be my brother, Of any color, You’ll just be okay with us, We’ll live each day in peace, In hope that we will one day reach, The rest of the world, When they are ready to be teached. The kingdom will come, Thy will be done, On Earth as it is in heaven
God is Love:God is love. Through all your trials and tribulations. God is love. He’ll get you through all situations. God is love. And if you are ready, He always is ready for you. God is love. He’ll get you through your pain and sorrow. God is love. He’s coming back maybe tomorrow. God is love. And if you are ready He’s gonna be ready for you. And though much time has passed, His words and promises always last. And I am here to say that He loves each one of us in every way. God is love. He makes the rain that makes the flowers. God is love and so amazing are His powers. God is love. And if you are ready He’s gonna be ready for you. God loves everyone. That’s why He gave His son and you should feel His pain. Yet He gave us everything.
Let Love Rule: Love is gentle as a rose, And love can conquer any war, It’s time to take a stand, Brothers and sisters join hands. We got to let love rule, Let love rule, Love transcends all space and time, And love can make a little child smile.
God Save us All: God Save Us All, God Save Us All, God Save Us All. If we really try, maybe we can make it. We need a teacher. We must learn to see the light. Let’s get together. This world needs us to do right. There’s too much poverty, sickness. There’s pain and strife. Why aren’t we trying to improve this thing called life? What are we gonna do about it?
Rosemary: Rosemary your day will come. He loved you so He gave His only son. Keep the faith in your soul. Stay down on your knees. Hold onto the beads at your heart. Nowhere to turn but the inward light because life is for believing. That your heart can turn to gold. All you need is Christ to receive it. There’s eternal life for every soul.
Empty Hands: He rode in town on a white horse with nothing in his hands. He came to gather his people and take them to their promised land. When he came he knew there would be bloodshed, but still no violence made his plans. He came to fight in a battle with no guns or money. But with his empty hands, With his empty hands. They said hey boy what you lookin’ at as they eyed his dreaded mane. He said my father has sent me. I’ve come back to reclaim The children whose hearts were so whole and pure. Now it’s you who’ll die in pain. So they lynched the man Who fooled the word And all the children gathered In his empty hands.
Are you gonna go my way?: I was born long ago. I am the chosen I’m the one. I have come to save the day and I won’t leave until I’m done. So that’s why you’ve got to try. You got to breath and have some fun. Though I’m not paid I play this game. And I won’t stop until I’m done. But what I really want to know is…Are you gonna go my way? And I got to got to know.
Believe: The Son of God is in your face offering us eternal grace. If you want it you’ve got to believe cause being free is a state of mind. We’ll one day leave this all behind. Just put your faith in God and one day you’ll see it.
Baptized: I don’t want to look around, And be turned to stone, All my darkest days awoken, I’m looking for a new way, Can’t make it on my own, Lead me to a place wide open. I need a love that takes me higher, So high I’m never coming down. I don’t want to know emptiness, Take me down to the water, Wanna be baptized in your love. Far away from the loneliness, Take my heart and wash away the fear, Let me be baptized in your love. Everybody’s going down, They end up all alone, Far too many words unspoken, I know I gotta be there, I’m ready to be shown, The path of righteousness unbroken. I would be a fool to let you go, With you I’m reborn, I’m no longer torn. I refuse to lose my heart and soul, I have to be strong. Baptized, baptized, Wanna be baptized in your love.
The Resurrection: If you could feel what I could feel, well then you’d know His love is real. If you could hear what I could hear, well then you’d know the King is near. The resurrection is here to stay and He’s coming back again to reclaim all His souls and set us free. Look what He’s done to me. Now I am living in another space and time. He walked on the righteous path to keep us from Satan’s wrath. We are not alone and we’re going home.

Lenny just told me and about 10.5 million other folks about Jesus without stepping behind a pulpit.

1. Choice: As humans, we are empowered/enslaved (depending upon your take of things) by free will. You can choose which religion to follow. You can choose which religion to denounce. You can make up your own religion. You can even choose to not believe in God, that’s how it works. It’s that simple. And it’s that powerful. You decide.

Please seek out the difference in religion and spirituality. And I don’t mean Oprah’s version of spirituality.

fff

Post from: FastandLoud.com

Top 5 reasons God, Allah, Jehovah, Elohim, Yahwe is hipper than you think

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I was dead for 0.25 seconds twice on Thursday. No really, I’ve got the EKGs to prove it. Full-on VH1 Behind the Music rock star style!!! Burn out, not fade away. I didn’t see the light (see Poltergeist – Carol Anne). I didn’t see Jesus (we had a nice conversation, however) or the Devil and I didn’t crap my pants…thank goodness.

It’s Thursday morning, I’m lying on a stretcher in the ER, wires going everywhere, IV fluids pumping, the crash (as in “crash&burn”) cart by my side, and my heart’s doing the neutron dance. I’m in a cold sweat and pretty close to pale. My chest feels exquisitely weird, kinda like that little flutter you get sometimes after a pot of coffee…just like that, but non-stop. I haven’t had any drugs (over the counter or otherwise), coffee, or mysterious poisonings from my wife (yet). Hmmm…a drummer in the wrong rhythm, funny…I get it. Damn the IRONY…the HUMANITY…the HORROR!!! This…could very well ruin my day. The doc says I’ve basically got three options:

1. drugs that slow down the heart rate & maybe the rhythm will return to normal, maybe… 2. straight ride the lightning electrical conversion – you know…..clear, clear, you clear, I’m clear, and bzzzzzsssttt…nice and bye bye chest hair. 3. stay in this rhythm, throw some clots to the head/lungs, stroke out, and live miserably ever after…great.

Preparing for the worst case scenario, a nurse comes in with towels & and Bic disposable razors (no water/no foam) for my chest hair. She’s thinking Chewbacca at the dog groomer and I’m thinking Eddie Scissorhands in the Amazon.

I’ll take what’s behind door #1, Monty. DRUGS baby!!! Whatever you got! Smoking chest hair ain’t my thing! But do whatever you gotta do! I just wanna live! I just wanna tell my wife I love her. And what about the kids? Who’s gonna look after the kids when I’m gone? Relax…you’re not gonna die…and you don’t have any kids. Right… Just a lack of blood flow to your head… Brilliant…I feel my IQ dropping and I think my crack’s showing out the back of this hospital gown. I mean…I not dumb boy in dress. Breathe…because we’re about to stop your heart. What?!?!? For the appetizer, we’d like to try a drug that actually makes the the heart stop. It’s just for a split second and it might(read might) reset the heart’s electrical system.

DRUG WARNING!!! Use the little boy’s room, lay down, relax, & close your eyes before this drug happens to you. As you can imagine, your body instantly “goes on strike” when your heart stops. And you don’t want to be in the midst of operating heavy machinery, I promise.

So…this is where my heart stops with minimal drama, no choirs of angels calling my name or hordes of demons slithering about, just:

2 seconds of chill (I mean super-chill) 2 seconds of warm (like your entire body immersed in a warm bath) 2 seconds of heavy (like one of those gravity rides at the fair) then it’s Good Morning Vietnam and WE’RE BACK!!!

They try two doses…cause we really want to test my mortality. Now, I’m admittedly a bit of an adrenaline junkie, but flying ignorant in the reaper’s face while dodging his scythe (yes…it’s really a scythe, not a sickle) is a little more X-TREME!!! than I typically enjoy. And the whole time I’m thinking that I don’t have a great 2 day bender, 12 pots of coffee, 43 tequila shots, farm animals, firetrucks, and a trashed hotel room story. Several hours, tests, and drugs later; I get to spend the night in the Cardiac Care Unit (CCU) and I’m in a heart rhythm called atrial fibrillation (a.fib for short). And an interesting version of it called “lone” a.fib that can just randomly occur in healthy people. “Lone” meaning that we don’t really know what caused it.

And just as simply as I went into a.fib, I converted back to normal rhythm. I mean…after a few thousand dollars of medical care & several A-Team reruns later, of course. And let me tell you one thing people…peeing in a plastic urinal while lying in bed is really hard. So…if you feel something funny in your chest (Arrhythmias, Heart Attack, Stroke, & Cardiac Arrest), have it checked out today. Right now even. Don’t delay, it could save your life!!! Lastly…A big shout-out to all the ER staff, Nurses, Techs, Docs, and Chaplains who looked after me. Especially the CCU nurses, who kept me comfy and warned me about the infamous stuffed pepper entree (FYI diarrhea can increase length of hospital stay).

currently in the appropriate rhythm, fff

Post from: FastandLoud.com

A.Fib is not A.Fun or Atrial Fibrillation (It’s like a kick in the chest!!!!)

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